What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 24.06.2025 12:24
He resisted the act ,that day.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
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My mum and dad in the seventies!
I will be 64.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
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We all went to grammer schools
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
(And it was in our own minds.)
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And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
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He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
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Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
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I write beautiful poetry .
I was scared of men, in general
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
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I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
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Where the ultimate outsiders.
Im still living with it.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
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I have no regrets .
Comes on , in middle age.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
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Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
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Was to survive, this bastard.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
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I waited trembling.
This is soul school!.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I never cut or harmed myself..
And i lived it daily.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
So, i spoilt her more .
She loved him until the end.
She found it foreign!.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But it wasn’t much.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I think the readers, may guess!
Would this be the day?
But ive been too sick for many years..
We were not on the streets..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He knew the spot.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Who then, do I blame.?
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
One cannot live in the past .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
What did i know ?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
My family never makes their pension either.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I was 9 years of age.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
As i do to all so called friends.?
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Especially a lifetime of it.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
All the time i was locked up.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Put me off passion for life!!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But, we were locked up after school.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She wouldn,t have been !
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I said to her
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I don,t even have a pension.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Why did i forgive my father ?
I did it because my mum asked me too!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She was in good health!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
When she asked me how she looked .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I was seconnd youngest,
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Ive learnt so much.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
My life is so biszare .
She married twice! .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I could never make a relationship work though!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
It was going to be , some day.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I was very sick at this time too.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
So whats the point in blame.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.